I’m writing this in arrears. It took a while to get the words. I still don’t know if I have the right ones.
And because I’m writing in arrears the feelings I’m trying to convey are blanched and decolourized, lacking the vivacity of the heaviness I felt in the month this post was to have gone up.
But better a weathered recounting than none at all. What feelings am I trying to convey?
I’ve been doing the bare minimum for the past two years and that I’m surviving is a miracle.
I can hear someone say “hmm na your own bare minimum this?” And the answer is yes. I know what I’m capable of, what I can do when I feel driven when I believe it matters when I believe I matter…
I’ve not done close to that in a while. Perhaps it’s the burnout from years of hardcore mode (actually, this is DEFINITELY it).
BUT KNOWING THAT YOU’RE BURNED OUT
The past 2 years have been some of my most unproductive ☻
I’m not saying this as “humble brag”. I know some people won’t get it, I know my sister-friends will be like “you’re too hard on yourself Monique” and perhaps they’re right, but I’m also thinking critically 🤷🏾♀️
And if I’m being very honest anything I’ve enjoyed from March 2021 till date is somehow the fruit of the work I did in my 2020s.
But knowing that you’re burned out doesn’t make the self-loathing over your underperformance, go away
And the fact that you’re consistently disappointing yourself isn’t helping you get out of the rut of burnout either🤷🏾♀️
I’ve been saying ‘thank you to the version of Monique who did so much in her 20s that this version of Monique can get away with doing so little in her 30s
But its a bittersweet thank you because despite all that version did she couldn’t fix some major issues
And now 2 years out of my ‘top form, I’m wondering: