As of January of 2018, I began a commitment to using my blog as a medium for sharing about my faith in Jesus Christ. It was, in my way, a means of ministry as well as exercise for spiritual growth. So each month since then I have published two posts each month. One being my regular musings on life, society and whatever else is on my mind, and the other being an ‘About my Faith’ post.
Recently, however, I’ve been going through ‘some stuff’. Stuff that has put me in a position where I have neither the desire nor the conviction to share my faith as I’d felt called to when I first started this exercise. While I have felt this before, the lack of conviction, the self and faith doubt, I have yet to have this season drag on so long. Suffice it to say I feel like I’ve depleted my hope reserves and at the moment I’m not the Christian anyone can be proud of, let alone share.
But perhaps this is why I feel I must share this, share what I have noted here in this ‘sunken place’. For one, I’ve found that very few Christians make good counselors. We listen to respond rather than to understand and empathize with the person. We have been trained to see God as some stern African parent who would be offended by our doubts and frailty in faith. We rebuke the person questioning, and wrestling with issues [especially if we can’t understand why they feel what they do]. We have been taught that we must always be joyful, always be faithful, always be anchored in prayer, always be firm in faith. We have been taught to hurl scriptures at the person who is down- as if they didn’t know said scripture verse before falling.
In recent discussions with Christian friends (of varying degrees of faith and genuine friendship) I have found myself respecting the Christians who admit that they do not know. They who admit to their struggle, who admit that they have fallen too often to hold your own struggle against you- who do not expect you to overcome what they have yet to experience, what they cannot understand, or what they themselves succumbed to when they ‘were younger and not yet saved’. Ugh! The last group is the worse!