In the past month, I finally got my hands on footage of an old interview I did in 2019. As I watched it, I couldn’t help but appreciate that a lot of my answers then were consistent with what I would say today; although I wish I had dressed up and seemed cheerful, my zeal and hope were by far stronger than current day and that came through. I plan on sharing that interview later. But for now, I want to write on what it inspired. Watching the video made me appreciate my younger self, and – as I often say- I owe all that I am to the zeal of younger Monique. Perhaps it’s the fact that I’m nearing 35, perhaps it’s the fact that I’m coming out of a protracted season of depression; either way, I often find myself thinking of how adulting turned out to be a ‘scam’. I know we say it often, heck we now have an anthem on the scam of adulting courtesy of a lovely Nigerian artist:
Yet, I don’t think we really think we captured what made adulting a scam as we should in order to address the unfulfilment and unhappiness we feel. The phrase “adulting ruins things” is often used humorously or ironically to express the idea that the responsibilities and obligations of adulthood can take the fun out of life or make simple pleasures more complicated. We say “Adulting na scam” at Christmas, referring to how we no longer feel ‘merry’ given that we’re now the ones in charge of performing tasks and responsibilities to ensure the holiday goes smoothly. The suya is no longer sweet when you’re the one paying bills, and having a full house is no longer fun when you’re the one to juggle pick-ups and drop-offs along with other grown-up obligations. This is true, but honestly, it’s just the tip of the iceberg. I feel like Adulting being a scam is less about how responsibilities are now on us, and more about how those things have taken the place of things we felt were frivolous but actually necessary for balance and sustaining life. Mind you, I say this as someone who has fewer responsibilities than many in my circle and still feels like, ‘Nah, this is a scam’ on the regular.
Consider your life now and how things were when you were a kid. What major differences come up for you? If you focus only on financial aspects, you’ll find that there are as many pros as cons: Yes, as an adult, you now have to decide what everyone eats for every meal, but also, YOU KNOW GET TO DECIDE WHAT EVERYONE EATS for every meal! As a kid, you craved that power. So what made it become a burden? The neverendingness, therein lies the scam.
Adulting ruins things because we don’t get to pass the baton—especially if we’re doing life alone; and with communalism dying by the day, that is the case for most of us. We wanted to help in the kitchen as kids; toddlers are excited over something to do; I’ve watched my nieces fight over who got to carry my bag inside. It’s not just that they knew they would get praised for it (no one is praising you for the mundane as an adult), but it’s also that they opt for it, it’s still an option, not a duty. Adulting makes it a duty and saps the fun out of it.
These are just some generic examples. I realize I must unlearn a lot of the ways adulting has changed me and ruined things.
I wrote about how I fell in love with reading (see here) and how words that others had written provided worlds for me to escape to. Reading provided comfort and peace and grew my empathy as well as my vocabulary. As much as I could blame social media for becoming my distraction in place of the world of fiction, that’s not quite true. It began with the ‘adult notion’ that my reading was only valuable if I was reading a certain kind of literature. The more I fraternized with other ‘adults’ in certain spaces, it became ‘childish’ to be re-reading the Romance and fantasy novels that made me fall for writing that soothed. I was challenged to read self-help books, ‘important’ books, ‘profound’ books. And the more I read what I felt like I should be reading as an adult, the more reading no longer appealed. I can’t say I was pressured; it’s more like a tacit societal expectation of what a successful adult does- reads books by successful people, books that ‘add’ to them. Not fiction. Not cartoons. Somehow that is less. I’m beginning to unlearn that. I like this quote that I came across on IG recently and feel it captures what I needed to hear when I started giving away my Nora Roberts to replace with ‘important books’.
One of the things I beat myself up about regularly is the fact that I don’t write as much as I know I should, as much as I know I could. I’ve shared in a previous blog what caused this. Yet, even knowing why I’m struggling with doing what I should/could, I still feel guilt regularly. The guilt of not living up to my potential, the guilt of not using a talent I’ve been gifted, etc., especially knowing that writing is as much a part of my employment/sustenance as it is my mode of self-realization, expression and art. I often think of the saying “if you don’t use it, you’ll use it” with fear, “Will I lose this gift eventually? But then I overthink.
During a recent bout of guilt-infused overthinking about how I am ‘failing’ at writing even the things that are obviously ‘for me’ such as this blog. I took a step back to reflect on my whys:
Q. Why did you set up a blog in the first place? Before you beat yourself up, what was the reason behind this?
A. I had a lot to say back then, ideas to share, and I needed a medium to share my ideas as widely as possible. Before I even knew what a blog was, I created a newsletter with MS Publisher as a 2nd-year undergrad student, printed them out myself and sold copies for 100 francs XAF each. I wanted people to read my work the way I had read that of others for years before… It was after buying and reading that newsletter of mine that a friend’s boyfriend helped me set up moniquesmusings.blogspot.com
Interestingly, one of the first things I wrote about was related to the quality of education- this is still my area of research 11 years later. With this bit of self-interrogation, my guilt subsided somewhat; yes, I’m not writing as much as I believe I should and could, but the writing I did in the past had a purpose and has undoubtedly helped me brand myself and contributed to my career growth. I need to find a new purpose again or interrogate why I consider not posting a ‘failure’. Who is grading me on a personal blog? And that’s where I found my answer; I’m grading myself. Often harshly. And that is adulting. Knowing better and knowing more, we often use that knowledge on ourselves – not always for the better. What began as a hobby became a duty that I now feel guilty about because I expect I should be trying harder, that if I were, I would be getting other results. And that may be true, but what are those ‘other results’, and why do I want/need them? Younger Monique just wanted to write because she was brimming with bold ideas to share and wanted to reach as many as possible with them. Now, older Monique feels she needs to prove she can each month, consistency for the sake of it. Even if she no longer ‘brims’ with bold ideas because adulting – again- has drained the ‘excitement’ over the potential of ideas to change things.
Younger people often hold idealistic views about the world, their future, and their potential. It’s for this reason that we limit the question of ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ to kids- as though we stop growing after a while. We don’t, we stop hoping, or we increasingly hope for less. We seek structure because life has thrown us enough challenges, setbacks and repetition to wear us out. We crave security. I recently realized just how different I am from kids during a colouring exercise. I have been trying to colour as a meditation practice, so I have several colouring books. It’s supposed to help me focus and calm an anxious mind, seeing that even colouring now has to serve a purpose- adulting.
Anyway, while I was out, I shared my colouring book and pencils with some kids. I watched as they enjoyed colouring, not caring about having the right colour for the flour or face of the image or even if they coloured within the lines. As expected, as an adult, I knew better and thus would choose colours carefully and make sure the picture was ‘just so’—something that could be agreed upon as ‘well done’. I smile thinking on it, obviously we want to do things well, but then who got to decide what well is? The thing with knowing ‘better’ is that it often impedes knowing differently. Having a sample essay to show me what a published paper looks like means I often try to replicate the winning strategy and don’t give myself to imagine alternative ways to write. Our creativity is lost with the ‘knowing more/better’ but, moreover, with the lack of time and desire to be picked. With adulting, there’s so much to do, a desire to earn more to be able to fulfil all those responsibilities that the faster we can do something, the better. But imagination takes time. Creativity requires observation and being present. Adulting ruined that for me.
I could go on and on, but this would make for a very morose musings post. I think it already is – morose, that is. So let me leave you on a high note: adulting might have ruined a lot, but it has equally freed us up. See how free we are to choose everything from what we wear to who we spend time with. The best thing adulting did for me? I get to have my own room. I’ll never trade that.
But do tell me, what- if anything- has adulting ruined for you? How has it blessed you?
